J.R. with his binky in happier times
While I was away on my girls’ trip this past weekend, I was hearing reports from my husband of not only a vomiting, feverish Zuzu, but also of an irrational, tantrumy J.R. I knew that J.R. had been going through a big Mommy phase for the past, say, three and a half years, so I attributed his bad behavior to my absence. What I didn’t know was that my husband had brought some amount of this behavior on himself. Yes, Daddy had decided, without telling me, to use my absence as an opportunity to get rid of the dreaded binky.
My husband was sure I wouldn’t write this post because by writing it, I would be forced to admit that my three and a half year old still used a binky. Honey, you seriously misjudged me. I am not even a little ashamed to admit that J.R., at three and a half, still used a pacifier. We had a hard rule that J.R. could only use the binky in his room, so it’s not like he was walking around town with it like Suri Cruise with her bottle. The practical effect of this rule was that he mostly used the paci for sleeping, but at the same time, it was available whenever he got really upset, hurt or just needed to calm down.
And, in fact, that is exactly how J.R. used his binky. J.R. has a temper, and his rages can last for what seems like hours. But as he has gotten older, he has gotten better at bringing himself back from the brink and his binky was a big part of that. Both my husband and I noticed that when J.R. was really in the thick of a meltdown, he would take himself off to his room, unbidden, pop the paci in his mouth and suck on it frantically. The look of relief on his face at those times was palpable. Clearly, for J.R. the paci was an important self-soothing techinique. Plus, he used the binky every night to fall asleep. He did not have a special stuffed animal or blanket. All he had was the binky. And I was really reluctant to mess with anything that helps my kid sleep.
With Zuzu, who was also a pacifier junkie, we took the binky away when she was a few months shy of three after her dentist read us the riot act. Like every other one of Zuzu’s big milestones, it went smoothly. We explained to Zuzu that Dr. Kevin said she was too big to use a binky and that it was time to give the binkys to new babies who needed them. Then we decorated a box, put all her pacis inside and “mailed” it to the Binky Fairy, who brought Zuzu a pink-and-purple three-wheeled scooter in return. Zuzu was delighted and we never heard another word about the binky — although that was pretty much when she quit taking naps.
When J.R. turned three, and I scheduled his first dentist appointment, I was quaking with fear. What if the dentist told me I had to get rid of the binky? I was not prepared to give away the only thing that really helped J.R. to soothe himself when upset, to say nothing of the sleep issue. Luckily our pediatric dentist was very compassionate. He told me in no uncertain terms that the pacifier was messing up J.R.’s bite, but the fact was, most of the damage had been done. The kid was going to need braces. Taking the binky away at this point would help, but only marginally. And if J.R. really needed it to sleep and as a self-soothing method, well then, he understood my point.
As J.R. got closer to three and a half, I was starting to despair about him ever pooping on the potty — something he now does, I am pleased to report. The binky was not even an issue to my mind. My husband was just the opposite. He had been relaxed about potty-training, but seeing his preschooler with a binky in his mouth made his skin crawl. At some point, my husband decided, and I am quoting here, that I was the only impediment to getting rid of the binky — like I was some sort of binky enabler. So, as my weekend away got closer, my husband formulated a secret plan.
The first I heard of Operation Binky Freedom was an email from my husband on Sunday afternoon, right before I boarded my plane home:
“J.R. and I had a talk Friday. He knows that big kids who wear underwear don’t use do-dos [our family word for the binky]. Since he got home from camp on Friday he hasn’t had one, and it really hasn’t come up at all today (and very little yesterday).”
I was stunned. I had absolutely no idea that this was coming. Even several days later, I am still not sure how I feel. On the one hand, I am glad that J.R. has given up the do-do — yes, we really call it that — seemingly without a fight. And, I will admit, his sleep has not been disturbed at all. As for his temper and his ability to soothe himself, I have not seen any negative effects from the absence of the binky, but I did point out to my husband that the intensity and duration of the weekends’ tantrums was surely worse than they would have been had J.R. been able to take a hit off his binky. My husband doesn’t dispute that, but feels that if that was the trade-off, then it was well worth it. And frankly, since he was the one who bore the brunt of it, not me, what did I care?
Well, I care because part of me is flabbergasted that my husband was so sneaky. He knew he was going to take away the binky while I was away, and he purposefully didn’t tell me. He really thought that the problem was that I didn’t want to deal with taking the binky away, not that J.R. needed it. Even if that were true — and the events of the past few days certainly provide some support for that theory — does that justify his deception?
Dear Em: Elliot’s deception 100% justified in my view. Can I share this with Tracy’s niece and her parents? Best, Jerry
Share at your own risk, Mr. Pruzan!
No doubt my DH would do the same thing at some point or another. We told #1 son that 4 yr olds didn’t use binkies. On the eve of his 4th bday, we reinforced that 4 yr olds don’t use them, and this was his last night. Didn’t have an argument the next day.
#2 son has used them on and off, from time to time, but is not a binky monster.
Browing comments on SITS, and I came across your blog. I just wanted to say, I think that using the binky or not, it is awesome that you’re helping your child develop those self-soothing skills. The fact that he knows what to do to make himself feel better when he’s upset is huge!
Thanks for stopping by, Janet.
Sometimes it is easier to obtain forgiveness than permission, as the saying goes. Could he feel that you’ve staked a claim as the expert in the parenting realm and perhaps wouldn’t be open to his suggestions? I guess I would consider what you would have done if the tables had been turned and you felt he was doing or not doing something with respect to the kids that you didn’t like.
You make some good points. My husband and I share parenting duties pretty equally, but this was a case where we just disagreed on the right thing to do. I thought J.R. still needed his binky; my husband thought he was too old for it. Time seems to have proved my husband right.
No matter what I think this is a great story and happy the outcome is working out for everyone. Sometimes these things just need a man’s touch. I always enjoyed those man to man talks as a kid and of course you always learned something (good or bad). Don’t look of it as decpetion, how about a very pleasant surprise gift for you Mommy!
Ah, so it is all in how I look at it, huh?
The truth is that E is a great dad and many dads would not be so pro-active.