Cowboy and Wills by Monica Holloway
Today’s post is part of the From Left to Write online book club. The idea of this book club is not to write a book review, per se, but rather to write a post in which the blogger connects that month’s book to an experience from his or her own life. September’s book is the memoir Cowboy and Wills, by non-fiction writer Monica Holloway.
When you have a child who is different in some way, you inevitably receive mounds of unsolicited advice and more than a few hurtful comments.
As I have written before, my seven-year-old daughter Zuzu has multiple food allergies. Although we have had some recent gains, for the first six years of Zuzu’s life, my husband and I carefully monitored every bite of food that went into our little girl’s mouth. When we ate in restaurants or traveled or were guests in someone’s home, we either had to bring our own food with us, ask our host to purchase and prepare special food for us, or interrogate the chef and waitstaff about the ingredients of every dish we ordered. Certainly, we felt self-conscious at times, but of course, our priority was keeping our daughter safe from harm, while at the same time making her childhood as normal as possible.
For years, our family and friends have gone above and beyond the call of duty in accommodating Zuzu’s allergies, and for that I will always be grateful. I will never forget my sister-in-law – who, like many Manhattanites, doesn’t exactly cook – making and decorating a tray of dairy-free Rice Krispie treats for Zuzu’s second birthday, after she realized how hard it was to find a wheat, dairy and egg-free cake. Although we always provided a safe snack for Zuzu at preschool and on play dates, many of the other moms we met made a special effort to find snacks that were Zuzu-friendly, such as plain popcorn or fresh fruit.
But while we have been lucky to have such thoughtful friends and relatives, we know many families with allergic kids who have experienced unsympathetic or disbelieving attitudes from other parents. There is unquestionably a backlash against the movement to make schools, day care centers and other public places nut and peanut-free. (Recently, the Chicago Cubs decided to make one of the luxury skyboxes at Wrigley Field peanut-free for exactly one game so that young Cub fans with severe peanut allergies could come to the ballpark. Sounds like a nice thing to do for these kids, doesn’t it? Well, people reacted by either making fun of these kids’ “made-up” allergies or with outrage that the tradition of eating peanuts at the ball game might be somehow curtailed. How’s that for a backlash?)
I too have heard my share of hurtful and insensitive comments about Zuzu’s allergies. One particular instance has stayed with me for years: We were on vacation with my parents and my mother and I were standing in line with Zuzu, who was then only about two years old, at a local bakery hoping to find something that she could eat. The woman in front of me suggested that we buy Zuzu one of the bakery’s popular doughnut holes. I thanked the woman for her suggestion but explained that Zuzu had many allergies and sadly could not eat a doughnut. The woman said, “Oh, too bad you didn’t breastfeed her. That prevents food allergies.” My mother and I looked at each other in disbelief. What business was it of this stranger’s whether or not I had breastfed my child? And how dare she suggest that Zuzu’s food allergies were somehow my fault? (I would say that Zuzu could have been adopted for all that lady knew, except that the child looks exactly like me.) Moreover, this judgmental stranger was dead wrong. I had breastfed Zuzu for a year and it hadn’t prevented anything. So there.
There are many myths and misconceptions about food allergies swarming around out there, and in this regard, it is similar to autism, another – albeit very different – medical condition that seems to be far more prevalent these days than it was a generation ago. Cowboy and Wills is the story of author Monica Holloway’s son Wills, who was diagnosed at 3 with autistic spectrum disorder, and his menagerie of pets, most notably, an irrepressible golden retriever named Cowboy.
Holloway writes in detail about Wills’s difficult adjustment to school and the paralyzing anxiety he felt in social situations. The teachers and administrators at the nurturing private school that Wills attended knew of his diagnosis, but it seems that many of the parents did not. Holloway writes of one mother in particular who accosted her after school and demanded to know what was “going on” with Wills. Rather than reveal her son’s condition, Holloway mumbled something about Wills having a difficult transition to school. The woman then suggested that perhaps Wills was not getting enough love at home and recommended that Holloway seek professional help, which, of course, Holloway and her husband were already doing in spades.
Holloway and I were both on the receiving end of cruel, insensitive and thoughtless comments about our children’s respective conditions, conditions for which we were not responsible – except perhaps on a genetic level – and that we both strove to manage as best as we could. But as I read I noticed that there was a difference between what Holloway and I chose to share with the world regarding our children’s conditions. I never once hesitated to tell another parent, or even a stranger, that Zuzu has food allergies. The misconceptions about food allergies, whatever they are, are not so significant that I found myself wanting to keep Zuzu’s allergies secret. Not so for Holloway. Although she does not explain why, it is plain from reading Cowboy and Wills that Holloway at times deliberately concealed Wills’s diagnosis. I imagine that she did so to prevent other parents from jumping to conclusions about Wills, and what he was capable of, based on what they believed “autistic” to mean. Maybe it would have been better if Holloway had been upfront about why Wills was struggling so much in school; maybe not. I don’t know. But I do know that it is hard enough to have a child who is different without having to conceal the nature of that difficulty.
A “From Left to Write” Book Club post. In conjunction with the book club, I received a free copy of Cowboy and Wills: A Love Story by Monica Holloway. Although I am not an animal lover and I am a cold-hearted cynic when it comes to inspiring stories of kids overcoming the odds, I actually enjoyed Cowboy and Wills, which is a funny, candid and engaging look at some of the challenges and rewards of parenting a child with high-functioning autism. You can find more bloggers’ reactions to Cowboy and Wills on the From Left to Write website. Follow From Left to Write on Twitter here.
It is amazing how cruel people can be. At least we’re adults. I’m dreading the day these comments are directed at my son, who may or may not be able to defend himself.
Great take on the book!
I hear you, Jen. We were lucky that Zuzu has not been teased much about her allergies, but naturally she has been teased some in the elementary school lunchroom. It’s so hard. Another heart-wrenching moment of the book was when Wills asked his mom on the way to OT what was wrong with him. Monica struggled with how to answer. I know that feeling well. I remember when my daughter asked me why God has made her with allergies. Oy! What to say? I do try to remind her, though, that she is lucky in so many ways.
I agree that Holloway was not very forthcoming about Will’s autism, but I got the impression that it was because she feared he might be removed from the school.
But why would he be removed from the school when the teachers and administrators knew of Wills’s condition. Do you think the other parents would have demanded that Wills be removed from their children’s class? That would seem to go against the tolerant and nurturing philosophy of the school.
People say the most terrible things!
In our preschool class we have one child with fairly severe food allergies and cooking is a really integral part of the program – it’s a coop school and we cook every day there. I like the teachers approach with this child – everyone is aware of the allergies and we are all taking precautions. That being said, the mom is pretty soft spoken, so the teacher is really encouraging her to speak up about her daughters condition and for her daughter to do the same. After it, you have to be able to communicate the dangers, right?
That’s great that the school is so willing to work with this family — just like Wills’s school! I might have not even tried a school where cooking was a big part of the program when Zuzu was little.
While my children do not have autism or allergies, I have seen so many thoughtless and cruel remarks and comments about both of them that what I thought in reading the book was that Holloway was trying to avoid some of them by not always telling someone of his diagnosis. In the case of allergies, it’s so important for anyone and everyone to know that you don’t really have a choice, even if it means you’re prone to the “opinions” of others. Of course, now with the book, that mother and everyone else will know!
I see your point, but it seemed as if Holloway opened herself up to MORE cruel comments about Wills because people did not know he was autistic.
[...] Emily from West of the Loop discusses allergies and social situations [...]
My nephew has the same food allergies as your daughter, plus peanut, mold, dust, etc. etc. I’ve seen first hand how serious they are and it’s frightening.
On a side note, just because you’re family doesn’t mean you “get it.” A good friend with severe peanut allergies clearly remembers the day her grandmother decided to test if her allergies were “real” and hid peanut butter in food she prepared for her own granddaughter. She honestly believed the she was simply picky and being spoiled. She learned quickly that she was wrong. Totally insane.
I’ve heard stories like that too! It’s shocking.
It’s amazing what other people say to us about our children! Your post about being attacked, disbelieved or disrespected about food allergies really shocked me.
Thank you, Emily, for your honesty in writing about Zuzu and also for your comments regarding Cowboy & Wills.
I was so frightened when Wills was young (he’s 13 now), that I did not know how to handle myself. I wrote the book exactly how it felt to me and I tried (and hope) it is an honest account.
Unlike you, who I admire for being able to speak right up, I was very reluctant to say straight out that Wills had autism. And I know it came from my own shame and worry about what other people would think of Wills – of ME. It also came from fear.
I still feel terrible about this but I thought it was important to portray it in the book exactly as it was – not to sugarcoat it. Because it did cause confusion. How could other parents, friends, etc. know how to support us, if they didn’t know what was going on? In reading the book, maybe other parents could learn from my mistakes – of which I admit many.
There were alot of discussions at that time around not “labeling” these children, etc. but that wasn’t really what kept me from speaking up. Again, I think it was my fear. And it’s been my job to overcome it, which I have.
Wills is 13 now, and none of us (including Wills) have any qualms about talking about his autism. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have written the book. And I’m very happy to say that many of our discussions at readings and events is about speaking up, advocating for your child and getting rid of the “shame” that kept me from speaking up when he was little.
Again, it’s terrific that you’ve always been able to do this. For some of us, it take a little longer.
Thank you again for your honesty. It sounds like Zuzu is in great hands!
Monica, thanks for taking the time to leave a comment. I found your book to be incredibly candid so if that was your goal, you succeeded! I hope you did not read my comments are critical of you. My point, which may have gotten lost, was that food allergies do not carry the same sort of stigma that autism does in our culture, so that it was easier for me to be forthcoming about Zuzu’s limitations than it was for you to be so about Wills’s. I think that made your burden even that much harder to bear.
The Kane County Cougars do the same thing for one game, and they get the same backlash. I don’t get it.
I’m with you on the interrogating waitstaff, etc for ingredients – my favorite being those who say “oh no, she can’t have that, it has egg in it” because ummm when did cows start laying eggs? We recently had a mom in our babysitting co-op give Little Miss is “small” piece of cake when she was watching her “because it only had a little dairy in it” which irritated me. On the plus side, we were already in the process of reintroducing dairy, but she didn’t know that – and thank GOD it wasn’t an allergy that had severe reactions.
We have been lucky enough not to have the nasty backlash, but a friend of mine called me today with an unbelievable story about what a friend’s child came home saying today from school – that the teachers taught them that involved her son (who she’s removed to another school because of two years’ of horrid issues there) and a girl new to the school this year. *sigh*
It’s amazing to me how lightly people take food allergies. I suppose it is just ignorance.
I wonder why we are all so judgemental sometimes. In our flawed humanity we behave from experience and what we are told and taught. Telling the truth about something when we don’t understand ourselves is difficult for most of us.
Having children is a gift, a joy…when something appears to be wrong most of us begin with denial…it is really hard to believe that anything can be wrong with something so beautiful. Then there is always fear and initial shame because we somehow get lost in feeling that maybe we as parents did something wrong. When a parent begins to feel somehow responsible for a condition that could not be helped there is often feelings of guilt, fear and pain. The sense of being powerless is overwhelming. It is only with time and knowledge that we can gain back what we believe we lost. We go into this state of protectiveness…until we understand. We protect our children and yes, we protect ourselves from being judged.
Most parents with a “unique” or “different” child need the time to accept, learn and grow. The inertia that can come with fear, denial and ignorance makes it very difficult to separate the reality from the hope.
Kudos to those who can talk with confidence and share. On the other hand, there are a lot of people who cannot be that truthful because they were taught from the beginning that “silence is golden” and “family business is family business.” We all grow up differently and experience life differently. Our heros become those who do talk and share…like Monica so beautifully does in her memoir.
Cowboy and Wills is so honest that it brings to light the stuff parents often most fear, and in that is the gift. It offers those who are taught to hide and keep quiet, that it’s okay to open up, share, learn and grow. It is also okay to reach out because there are wonderful people who will reach back.
Monica’s book is her personal journey, it is her struggle and her triumph! I think her book provides a path for so many others who will be able to move forward as a result of her total honesty as a parent in the “dark,” finding her way. Cowboy and Wills is truly an inspiration Wills represents all the possibilities for families, parents and their very special children.
It would be great if this book gives other parents the courage to speak out and advocate for their children more!
I know it will and I know it has. Thanks Emily.
The best part of all is Monica Holloway’s contribution, commitment and involvement that came with the freedom of knowledge and understanding. The courage it takes for parents to see and go forward with doing so much is ultimately the goal to makes things better for each of us.
I think her book is something most parents will and can identify with and in that they will be able to move forward from the fear, sadness, and pain, and like Monica contribute with aim and whole heartedness towards a healthier awareness in speaking out; and most important, moving forward with commitment to finding answers and make things better for everyone concened. It is always a process, like everything in life, and each of us are unique as we go through the process.